Perfectionism and People Pleasing in LGBTQIA+ adults
If you're LGBTQIA+ and you've ever found yourself trying to get everything "just right", worrying about disappointing people, or feeling responsible for keeping everyone else happy, you're definitely not alone.
Perfectionism and people-pleasing are often talked about in the wellbeing space as personality traits. Something you're either born with or need to "fix". But I tend to think of them a little differently.
Underneath perfectionistic or people-pleasing behaviours is often a ‘protective part’ within who has learned that behaving like X, leads us to being accepted by others (an example).
Think of it like this: Imagine perfectionism/people-pleasing as a bodyguard who's been with you for years. Their job is to stop anything painful getting in. When you were younger, they probably did a brilliant job. They watched people's reactions, anticipated danger, and reminded you to stay small enough, good enough, agreeable enough to avoid getting hurt/judged/shamed. You can understand why they're there.
The trouble is, they're a little overenthusiastic, and they're still working as if you're walking into the same experiences every day.
When protective parts are working over time, they learn to stop vulnerability, rest, spontaneity, authenticity and joy from getting in too, because their one role is to reinforce the belief that ‘I must over-work, over-function, over-please, be perfect so that I am not judged/hurt/shamed’
"If I can just get it right..."
When you've spent years navigating environments where belonging has felt uncertain, where you've learned to read the room before speaking, or where parts of yourself haven't always been welcomed or understood, it makes sense that you become highly attuned to other people. You learn what keeps you safe, accepted, or connected.
One thing I notice with many LGBTQIA+ clients I work with is that they don't just carry the pressure of everyday life, they carry the pressure of feeling like they have to earn their place in it.
You might notice yourself:
over-functioning in relationships
struggling to say no without guilt
putting everyone else's needs before your own
feeling like you have to prove your worth through what you do
worrying about disappointing people
setting impossible standards for yourself
finding it difficult to slow down or simply be
Often underneath these patterns there’s a painful question:
"Will I still be accepted if I'm just myself?"
How Therapy Can Help
In therapy together, we begin to understand why these patterns developed in the first place. Not to judge them or get rid of them overnight, but to recognise that they were often intelligent ways of protecting yourself and maintaining connection.
From there, therapy becomes less about trying harder to change (or criticising yourself into change), and more about building a relationship with yourself where your worth isn't measured by how much you achieve, how easy you are to be around, or how much of yourself you're willing to sacrifice for other people.
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Alex 🧡